I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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