i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize