No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
