So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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