my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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