I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
