The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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