I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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