yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize