I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
