You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
