Got a toothbrush?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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