so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
