Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
