Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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