alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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