I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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