I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
