I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
we're so committed to being not committed
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