Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
