There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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