so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
