I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
