He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
