i need an iv and a liver transplant
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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