Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
