Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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