I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
