I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
