Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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