she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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