Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
