Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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