I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
