bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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