I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize