I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize