Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
only you would photoshop your dick
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
