When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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