Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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