I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
