I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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