your thong is hanging out like whoa
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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