I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
