Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
