Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize