Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
