He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Someone shattered a urinal.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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