I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
