she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
