remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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