yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
