did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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