I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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