I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
