you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize