Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
